A Life in the Day
Emotional Sobriety: A victim no more
Anon

Article information:
To cite this document:
Anon, (2002),"Emotional Sobriety: A victim no more", A Life in the Day, Vol. 6 Iss 3 pp. 16 - 17
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http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/13666282200200020

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feat
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ure

I had to face the world and
own emotions – sober.

16

Emotional Sobriety
A victim no more
This account of one individual’s recovery journey from alcoholism
and severe mental illness is published anonymously
The fireworks had started and seemingly the world was having a
party. I went to bed seeking oblivion through sleep. Next
morning, amid the world; wide hype of Millennium celebration, the
grim reality of my plight remained unchanged. Despair, terror
and isolation were waiting for me when I woke and would dog me
remorselessly through yet another day. I was coming to the end
of my stay in an addiction treatment centre and I was afraid of the
world outside – afraid of reality itself!
The passing of each day brought with it
the sickening realisation that the world
and all the problems I had left there
would still be waiting for me when my
time came to re-join it. My fears,
terrors and anxieties had been given
longer to multiply and feed on
themselves and yet changing my reality
or seeking refuge through alcohol was
no longer an option. I was about to
walk into the ambush to end all
ambushes – or so my projections told
me. Awkwardly clothed in ill-fitting offthe-peg openness and honesty, I had to
face the world and
worse, my own emotions
worse, my – sober. The sanctuary
of treatment had been a
wonderful yet temporary
reprieve; indeed perhaps
I had viewed treatment as another form
of escape. Now I was more afraid than
ever!
A couple of nights before my last
drink, in a confused state of disbelief I
had poured alcohol down the drain and
cried out in desperation to my Higher
Power to give me back my life. In
defeat to alcohol I knew I was broken –

utterly broken. My compulsion to
drink, thank God was removed
completely when I was in treatment, so
yes, I had my life back – along with the
consequences of so much alcoholic
behaviour.

Extreme mood swings
Yet, to the exasperation and
consternation of both the treatment
centre and my first sponsor I viewed
alcoholism as part of the baggage of my
principle condition, manic depression –
an illness of extreme mood swings with
which I had struggled for years. After
all it was manic depression, not alcohol,
that had taken away my career,
marriage, home, children, dignity and
role in society, or so I thought – what
had alcohol got to do with it? In recent
years I had dedicated my life to the
cause of mental health, founding and
directing a national charity which had
achieved considerable success in
lobbying parliament and making it
easier for people with mental health
problems to lead normal lives.

A life in the day Volume 6 Issue 3. August 2002 © Pavilion

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Feature

I had treated work as a wonderful
obsession which I approached with the
fervour of a religious zealot, of course I
drank – alcohol was at that time a fuel
that enabled me to achieve in work what
I vainly hoped would compensate for
my disastrous relationships and their
consequences. Yet I was the selfproclaimed hero of mental illness being
told I was an alcoholic – it didn’t fit!
But on the contrary, yes it did; I could
make it fit where I wanted it to. I knew
that many people with mental illnesses
also had drug or alcohol problems and
difficulties with relationships and debt,
so alcoholism was merely another
exacting price of my mental illness – or
so I thought. And of course I had
fuelled the manic depression for many
years by abusing alcohol and in so
doing denied the psychiatrists and the
medication any chance to stabilise my
horrendous and rapid cycle of mood
swings.

Emotional pain
My problems didn’t, of course, suddenly
evaporate and disappear just because I
was sober. On the contrary, I felt them
and the emotional pain more acutely as I
was no longer using alcohol as the cureall anaesthetic. My fears of problems in
the outside world, and of the outside
world itself, rational or irrational, were
none of them able to live up to my
expectations and lurid projections.
There has been pain in recovery; there
has also been immense happiness. Yet
without sobriety there may well have
been neither, for very long – just an
absence of self-esteem that may have
proved terminal.
I drank for many years before I had
my first psychotic experience and now
in sobriety I cannot see that it matters

A life in the day Volume 6 Issue 3. August 2002 © Pavilion

which came first: alcoholism or manic
depression. In treatment it was
suggested that I work the 12 Step
Programme on both conditions – and I
didn’t understand. What I now realise is
that many of the issues for which I had
self-prescribed alcohol – endless selfpity, amateur self-analysis and
psychiatric explorations – were not
unique to me. The fellowship of
Alcoholics Anonymous has been a lifesaver for me and I have become less
self-obsessed and more aware of the
needs of other people. I honestly didn’t
think that there was a safe place to talk
about my emotions and my serial
mismanagement of them – yet there is,
and it keeps me sober.
Managing difficulties
I started doing service as soon as I could
and I enjoy it, and recognise that in a
selfish way the more I do, the better it is
for my own sobriety. I am an alcoholic
and I work the programme of AA.
When I work the programme in all
aspects of my life, other difficulties that
once seemed overwhelming become
manageable.
Today I have my life, today I have my
emotions, both painful and pleasurable,
because I have my sobriety. For the first
time I have looked life in the eye – and
have dealt with things without running
away, becoming dependent, blaming
others or becoming a victim. This I
have been able to do because something
in me has changed.
A little over two years have passed and I
have not had a drink. Sobriety has for
me been the greatest prize of all – which
I value above all others, for without it I
would go back to a place I never wish to
re-visit!

17